When The Darkness Becomes Light

Deep into the dark abyss
We lose sight of all that surrounds us.
No light and Unable to concentrate
we lose focus.

We are slowly drawn down
Pulled in further by fear
It seems to swallow you whole
Deeper and darker it all seems unclear.

Confused & alone
With nothing to grasp, or hold
You are strong and full of power
Just harness it & be bold.

Internally see
Feel that tiny spark
Let it begin to radiate out
From depths that surround your heart.

Allow yourself to be the light
Fuel it with acceptance and love
Let it embrace you, sustain you
and allow you to love and be loved.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

It is a funny thing, we are asked this question so many times as a child and it all depended on the moment that we were asked what we would respond. For some of us, it was always the same thing but for others it was constantly being adjusted.

My dream as a young child was to be a performer (singing,  dancing, acting) it really did not matter what it was, I just wanted to perform, have an audience and allow them to experience emotions, from laughter & joy to sadness and anger. To really dive deep into these emotions and allow them to be expressed. My mind about my life’s goals changed over the years many times but it was always part of my soul that I wanted to help people in some way.

When I was 15 I had the idea I wanted to become a Doctor because I was good in school and enjoyed learning. I thought it was the road to take in order to help people. What we don’t see at that age is there are so many professions out there to help others. I believed that being a Doctor was where I needed to be too fulfill my life’s mission. 

Doctors, nurses, police officers, fire fighters, psychologists, counsellors, therapists (in all different avenues), life coach, etc. The list really does go on in terms of helpers in any given community. When I realized at the age of 19 that being a Doctor was not really the avenue I wanted to go, I kind of stumbled across 911 operator. I thought this is something I could do. I can type quickly, I am good at multi tasking, and I am a very compassionate and loving person with a desire to help people. I enrolled in a College program Emergency Telecommunications it was a new course to help identify this as a career and shorten the time spent training. It takes 6-10 months to be fully trained at a 911 centre because there is so much to learn. You have to become familiar with policies and protocols for dealing with specific types of calls and how to appropriately respond.

  I did this job for 6 years until finally the feeling of overwhelm became too much to bare. Always hearing the worst possible scenarios, listening to people on their worst days, and the negativity that surrounded me felt like I was slowly drowning with no one to help or even recognize that it was happening – except me. Finally making some decisions for myself I cut myself off from the negativity. My thought was it was the best way out of the anxiety I was feeling in my life. In reality I was simply running away from the very thing I needed to face in order to get better. In order to process certain events it requires us to live them over and over again, until finally they no longer trigger an emotional response but instead become simply a memory. We have to sit with our emotions in the beginning, even when they are difficult and overwhelming. The reason being is that if we ever want to learn from our difficulties and allow ourselves to move on we have to put the event behind us. 

After being off work for months, I slowly gained momentum a little bit at a time, energy started to return, as well as my inner glow. With the help of a psychologist I now have 85% good days. Good days means I manage to surface from my house and explore the world without letting the fear of something bad happening stop me. There are still days when there is nothing more I want to do than stay in bed, it is part of my illness. I have learned to accept that fact, however sometimes I push myself to get out and sometimes I have to honour what my mind needs. I believe the reason I stay in bed and refuse to emerge is because I eventually become overstimulated and need a day away from everything to refill my empty cup. To process some of the current life or death situations in my life. I made some outstanding realizations since being off work. I am strong, independent, and have more resilience now than I did 6 years ago. I also feel more empowered to make choices that are right for me despite what everyone else around me might need or want. I used to simply do things for others because I wanted to help, but unfortunately it took a toll on me. Another realisation was that when I looked around there was not one person whose life I wanted? There was no one in there who seemed content with the life they lived, that I could say wow that person is truly happy, and enjoys what they do. 

So now at the age of 27 I am being faced with that question again, what do I want to be when I grow up?

To be completely honest I do not know, the only answer I have for that question is happy. For me happy means traveling, spending time with people I love, teaching and doing yoga, and surrounding myself with people fulfilling their life goals through their life’s purpose. It also means that I find my life’s purpose – to help others in a way only I am capable. What that means yet I do not know but I will not stop searching for my answer. I will continue to do what I can with what I am given and be grateful for the chance to find my happiness.  

Deep meaning in The Shack (spoiler alert)

My husband and I went to the movies the other night to see the Shack. We of course read the book prior to seeing the movie but it was still quite amazing. The story line is about a man who takes his kids on a camping adventure for the weekend and his daughter gets abducted while he attempts to save his other child from drowning. We find out shortly thereafter that she was murdered. The entire movie is about how this man learns to cope and forgive what happened. 

The man played by Sam Worthington is full of despair with the loss of his young daughter and is terribly angry with the situation. He and his daughter are both having difficulty coping. His family is of a Christian faith and are full believers where he is slightly skeptical. He is snow blowing his driveway one afternoon while alone at the house and he receives a letter requesting his presence at the shack where his daughters bloody clothes were found and it is signed Papa (which is his wife’s name for God).  He talks to the priest of his church about what he should do as he was not sure who left the letter as it could have been the killer for all he knew. He decides to go on this journey to the shack. Upon arrival to the woods there is a young man who knows his name,  but is unfamiliar to him. He advises that he is Jesus and they are so delighted that he chose to accept their invitation. He goes into the shack and instead of being run down and falling apart like he remembers it- It is beautiful and warm- no longer winter. God and the Holy Spirit are waiting. God is in the form of a heavy set African American woman and the Holy Spirit appears to be a Native American woman both beautiful. 

She invites the man Sam Worthington in and lets him know they are there to help him heal his wounds. At one point the Holy Spirit invites him into the garden to help her with a task. He enters the garden and he says how wild and messy it is. She explained that it was him. His mind. They enter and she wants to remove this tree that although beautiful is damaging the plants around it. They eventually remove this tree and leave the place empty for the time being. They leave the garden and he ventures off with God to explore Wisdom and Forgiveness. Wisdom shows him why it is that God is a loving and compassionate God, not vengeful or karmic. She explains how God has given every human being a choice and this can (not always) invite evil into our lives. This God loves all humans like they are all his/her children. The man discusses with wisdom how he wants the murderer of his daughter to suffer and be punished for what he did but wisdom explains that it is like him choosing between his children which one he would send to hell. One goes to heaven the other to hell. He unable to make that difficult decision understands why God is not punishing or vengeful it simply happens and God can not intervene because he does not love one more than another even if one makes evil decisions. 

With that new found wisdom he then transitions toward forgiveness. It is a hard thing to be faced with forgiveness. Especially in this circumstance where a man murdered his daughter who was innocent and sweet. God explains that you do not have to be best friends when you forgive someone. It simply means you are no longer torturing yourself. It also does not happen right away. You might have to continuously repeat I forgive you until one day you no longer harbour all of that resentment towards yourself and who you perceive as responsible. With that they return to the garden with his daughters body (which was never found) and they plant her and a new plant that blossoms and radiates beauty. In this way that have removed the thought in his mind that was infecting or damaging other thoughts due to the focus that was placed on that plant. That plant was being nourished while the others were dying and they needed to plant a new thought in order to heal. 

God then states that the man can stay or he can return to his family. He chooses to return and wakes up in a hospital bed. He did not realize that on the way to the shack he was involved in a very serious accident. He then in turn helps his daughter heal and cope with what happened to her younger sister. 

It was an amazing story about love healing and forgiveness. And though I never considered myself a religious person, I have always considered myself spiritual. Even if you don’t necessarily believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit it is still an amazing story on how to heal some deep difficult wounds and move forward in your life. I would recommend it to anyone looking for an awakening of the soul. 

Teachers of yoga

Today was a day of revelations

When I first began my yoga teaching journey I was a shy unfamiliar girl transitioning to one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. I remember that first class that I taught, trembling with an anxious feeling and fear of not being good enough filled my body to the brim. It felt like a cup of water filled right to the top sitting on a very unsturdy table ready to spill everywhere. I now realize those people in the room could feel those vibrations I was radiating. 

To this day I still get nerves, however before each practice I ground myself and imagine my heart radiating pure love out to my students. Every single person that comes my class, I want them to be able to take a piece of love, vibrance and peace with them when they leave. It helps centre their day not only my own. In this way I feel more empowered, and focused while teaching, and this helps me develop my ability to really be a witness t their growth and development. 

You want a teacher fully present in class, one that can fully witness your abilities, make suggestions and compliment when appropriate. They are the gardener who plants the seed, nourishes that seed with their love and wisdom and then watches as it bloom in full radiance. For me I find it important for a teacher to be fully alive and witness the magic happening in the room. You can simply witness transformation happening in front of your very eyes, and it is wonderful